I Curse A Lot When I'm Scared Enough to Barf.

HOLY. FUCK.

The most intense experience ever. I STILL CAN'T BREATH. Holy fucking shit. I almost threw up. Several times.

BLARRRGGGG I'm still shaking. Oh God. Okay. You don't understand... 3D! 3-FUCKING-D.

This wasn't like watching bloody STEP UP 3D. No no, this felt like you were ACTUALLY DROWNING. I thought I was going to die. Right there in the theater, curled up in the fetal position in my seat.

I never thought I would be so affected by dust particles floating around in the water.... but when they are CENTIMETERS FROM YOUR FACE, your like OHHHHMYYYGODDDD, I'm bloody UNDERWATER UNDERGROUND AND I'M GOING TO DIE WITH ALL THESE OTHER CRAZY FUCKERS!!!

AND I PAID 13.50 TO DO IT.

Shit. Okay. Even though you didn't direct it, I <3 you James Cameron.

BAHAHAHAHAHA.

Twilight Eclipse Parody.

Of all the parody's I've seen, this one takes the cake.

Black Swan is the Ugly Duckling

"Oooooh I'm so edgy, I'm so creepy and sexual and different. Not. I'm actually just re-telling Girl-Interupted with feathers and leotards. I'll even cast Winona Ryder."

What is the point of creative cinemetography and beautiful special effects, when at the end of the movie I still want my 2 hours back?

Darren Aronofsky, nice try, but next time don't be the world's biggest cop-out.

Sorry Portman, this time it's not your fault. I just expected your director to not fall asleep at the reel when it was time to deliver an ending that met the expectations of all the over-zealous foreshadowing. Either that or AT LEAST not make the simple premis SO OBVIOUS and make us expect the unexpected, just to have it RIPPED out from under our feet with the incredibly anticlimatic truth that, no, there was actually no more story to tell.

Movie Review: CARRIERS

Spielberg in Stilletos

Dvd reviews by Maelina de Grasse

End of the World Blah Blah Blah

“Carriers”

Directors: Alex and David Pastor

Starring: Lour Taylor Pucci, Chris Pine, Piper Perabo, Emily VanCamp

Runtime: 84 minutes

For your own sake, please read these next few lines and save yourself 84 minutes of actually watching Carriers.

An unstoppable virus pandemic takes over the world. Four dim witted, irritating college kids try to outrun it and epically fail due to their overwhelming stupidity. Everyone gets infected and turns against one another. The End.

Okay, so not everyone dies at the end of the flic, but they may as well have. They make so many stupid decisions that it brings to question whether or not they really should be the ones to survive and repopulate society.

Let's review stupid decision number one: anger the guy who is stranded on the highway with a sick little girl, no gas in the car, and a gun in his hand, by refusing to help him. Why is this stupid? Because the angry man gets a few lucky shots into the radiator and their car breaks down 30 minutes later. Karma’s a bitch.

So, with civilization miles away in either direction and an undamaged vehicle not too far behind them, the kids are forced to bring gas from their own car back to the stranger. Which leads us to stupid decision number two: getting into the same car that’s had a virus carrier in it for God knows how long, and thinking some plastic wrap and duct tape between you and the infected is going to serve as sufficient protection. Please.

Some could argue that these incidents are all circumstantial and the protagonists didn’t have any other options. But please stay tuned for stupid decision number three. One of the girls is left alone in the car with the sick kid in the back and when the poor little girl starts coughing, this brilliant chick thinks its a good idea to tear down the lame ass barrier, and fling herself back there. To accomplish what, exactly? The little girl is dying of a toxic virus, what could she possibly do for her? Sure, it’s brutal but it’s the truth. So, of course, the little girl coughs up a bunch of blood, which hits the heroic (aka stupid) college chick right in the face. As it turns out, consequences  are a bitch too.

Predictably, the petrified teen wipes her face and pretends like it never happened (stupid decision number four), and so starts the inevitable sequence of desertion and betrayal and death. Cue end credits.